India

My fellow paunch wielding, pot belly wearing or just-bloated-for-the-day friends,

Yesterday was a very depressing day in my life.

Stressful life with a long day of hectic work makes for no easy way to fall asleep. So, I surf the TV and decide on the TNT channel (I think) which showed the movie "300". I remembered seeing snippets of this movie when it was released in 2007 and the TV guide synopsis suggested that it would be a manly movie to watch in the middle of the night. But, the movie ended up depressing me even more. Not because of the non-stop violence, not because of the blood splattering everywhere, not because of the decapitated heads flying around - none of that - most of the movie was CG anyway and lacks the stomach churning effect. But what depressed me was the 1800 packs that were repeatedly flashed in every second of every scene - I mean the 300 guys each exposing their perfectly carved 6-packs. Now, tell me which 1-pack guy who couldn't go to sleep, wanting only some entertainment while enjoying a chilled beer wouldn't be depressed by this sight. In fact, the depression has transitioned to torture to mental trauma to post traumatic stress disorder today. I am writing this column on the advice of my doctor who has urged me to get my feelings out.

Well, I have not been like this always. I used to have rock solid abs, believe it or not, but it was so long ago that it is only a haze in my memory. Then the little guy, my one-pack, started peeping his head - this is what they call the Paunch-I stage. But it was still totally within control - I could literally suck-it-up and make it disappear. I could still wear all my pants and no change in ward robe was needed - I just breathed fewer times over the course of the day. Having done this for a few years and sticking it to the little guy now-you-know-who-your-boss-is, I ended up pissing him (or her, more likely) off. Then started the war between me and my one-pack and I am close to losing the battle now.

The next stage of the war, is Paunch-II. In stage 2, you realize that the organs do need oxygen and you decide to be easy on your body - so, you suck-it-up only when you are in public, when others are around but the conversations became shorter as I had to step away often to take a few breaths. A stage which reminds you to think about buying the next size trousers but the strategy instilled in me as a young boy - always buy two sizes bigger in anticipation of future growth - helped me tremendously. So, all I had to do was loosen or remove my belt which by now had it's purpose degraded from "holding the pants to my hip" to "just-for-being-hip" purposes.

Stage-III is advanced and your begin hearing the dreaded B-word from your friends and relatives. You try to suck-it-up but soon realize that it is a give-it-up situation. Now, you start reading magazines meant for women which talk about loving your God-given body, remembering what's inside is more important than your outside appearance (btw, I still haven't figured out what is inside of me and growing so fast that too!); tips for boosting ones' self-esteem; knowing that people who comment are the ones with real problems etc. Thanks God we have Femina and O-magazine! So, I learn to focus on my inner good while blocking the bad Karma of others - which means, I learned to pretend that the little guy didn't exist. While I was fighting him until now, giving him importance and identity, he felt enraged when I started ignoring him - the worst of all insults - and it really was the last straw... war became a battle.

Stage IV (aka Pxx Bxxxx) - land of no return. The little guy has grown so big that Vikku Vinayakaram has expressed interest in changing his Gatam. One-pack wanted to ensure that he can't be ignored any more and he has succeeded. Now, wherever I go, he reaches the destination 2 seconds before I do; whoever I meet, they say Hi to him first. I have now started believing that it is only a matter of time before Sigourney Weaver comes to my home hunting for the alien that has been growing inside me all along...

Or may be not... perhaps it is simply a sign of prosperity as they say in India...